Why I turned to alcohol and the struggles I've had with using alcohol that cost me everything.

I grew up with good parents in a good family. But I never felt like I really fit in with my peers. I felt ugly and unattractive. I felt undesirable and not good enough. And all I wanted was to fit in and be liked. At first I turned to shoplifting, and then being the class clown, and then fighting and getting into trouble with the police. Soon I turned to alcohol.

At first, using alcohol was a wonderful high it allowed me to escape my feelings of inadequacy or insecurity. I felt funny and popular and it made me feel like I was actually liked by people. I felt like Superman with a cape on when I would drink. I was a bar star and I felt like everybody enjoyed being around me.
Not too long after that, alcohol became my weakness.I became addicted to the feelings of being high when I was drunk. But soon after, alcohol cost me everything.
I lost my girlfriend, fiance, unborn child and not too long after that, I lost various jobs and employment opportunities. I damaged very important relationships with friends and family as well as different girlfriends and other people who I cared about and loved.
Not long after that, I started losing other things like my house and my credit and eventually even my freedom.
I never wanted to admit complete defeat and that my life was a wreck duo to my alcoholism. I am an A type personality who likes to feel like I am in control of everything. I never want to admit powerlessness over anything. What I eventually found was that my stubborn A type personality ego was actually destroying myself and everything i cared about. It wasn't until I was able to admit and own up to my weakness that I could find real freedom and strength. Its so weird to think that the times that I feel the strongest is when I am actually quite often the weakest and most vulnerable to a relapse. My ego can really get in the way of my decision making and judgement. It is only when I am in a place of humility and acceptance that I am actually secure and present. It's been something that I struggled with for a long time. I've battled with my ego over and over again who tells me that I'm not an alcoholic and that I can control it if I really wanted to. Thank God I have finally been able to openly admit my weaknesses, especially my disease of alcoholism. I find support from my sponsor and through the relationships that I have found and nurtured in my various support groups and the fellowship of Alcoholics Anonymous. If it weren't for the friends I have in AA, I would try to go at this alone, and if I try to do it alone, like I have for the last 20 years of my life, i will continue to fail like I always have in the past. That is way I continue to attend A.A. on a regular basis and maintain and nurture the relationships I have. My tribe, my family, my friends in recovery, I thank you!
There are many great meetings, not just AA meetings, but also other types of recovery meetings and support groups, many through various church organizations. You can always find help if you seek it, feel free to reach out if you struggle with any of these issues tat I struggle with.
Sincerely, Joe Zago

Here are some of my experiences.
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